ABANDONED!!

When i was little , i looked forward to my elder brother (himself a kid then ) for everything. 


I looked forward to him for toys , to make me play with him , to share his video game with me , to accompany me to school everyday , basically to do everything possible , and to take care of me always and always. 


And some days he did everything. But somedays he did not , and while we were  growing up , these other some days became more and more. And i felt a strange aloofness , he has his separate friends now , separate gaming sessions , i was not a part of that. 


I felt , " he abandoned me " !! 


I moved on.  


Trying this time to find my comfort and solace in my friends from school or college. 

We shared an eternal bond , we mentally vowed to be for each other forever even if we get separated. To be at a calls distance. It was perfect. 


School ended then college ended. 

No one was reachable.  Everyone was busy . Not that i wanted to reach out too when they needed. But they too were not there when i wanted them to be. 


I felt disheartened , again i felt .

"They abandoned me " !!


But , i still gathered myself up , fought hard , struggled through thick and thins to build a great career for myself , to be someone to be proud of . And during this mentally exhausting task ,  I turned towards , none other than but my parents ! Who else would be there afterall .

Initially it was good , i was on the peak of my hardwork , i was getting an air of everything , i was finding it most exciting thing to ever happen to me , the journey of preparation , but then one failed attempt , and then second , and then third and gradually that charm started to fade away , that excitement turned to boredom leading to more stress and less activity and hence bad results. I found myself in a loop of failure .


And i looked at my parents and i thought that smiling faces despite my weakness and took that for sympathy and not the love or care which i expected from them .


And once again i felt . 

" They abandoned me " !! 


Now i am settled well enough , married to the love of my life. He is perfect for me , and i am perfect for him .

He is the one who is there and who will be there for ever to take care of me . I can just retire with ease in his presence . 


But again it didnt work like that , he was there but not how i wanted , or i had perceived how i wanted. I could not see it. His space and feelings  felt to me an utter disregard for my role in his life. 


And i was broken , and once again i felt 

" He abandoned me "!! 


And now i am here , reflecting on that life  and those people who were in that life. 

Each one of them and myself .


And this  realisation struck too hard . It was never the way it seemed to be. They were a part of my life , they were supposed to be there at a particular point in my life . And they were there then. 

The only person that  had to be there for myself for all those times could be only one .

And thats MY OWN SELF. 

And looking back at the phases of my life where i blamed others to have abandoned me .

I see , that it was only ME who ABANDONED myself !!




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